This gets old. This same old, same old way of life. Feeling this way becomes tiring. Exhausting. I need a gentle reprieve. A vacation from the inner turmoil that haunts my every thought. Just when things start to look up, reality comes crashing through my closed doors. It shatters everything I sweated for. The blood, the tears, the pain are all for nothing. The endless effort goes unnoticed and it all comes back to the beginning. I'm running in a circle--not a line. We are not headed north. We are stuck. Immoveable with cinder blocks attached to your hearts. We will drown in the worry and drown in the monotony.

It gets old, doesn't it? Having the same fight, the same discussions, the same arguments is exhausting. i look back through my old blogs and I realize that not much has changed in a year. I'm just a little bit older and a little bit more employed. I hate how static my relationship is. I don't think it's ever going to get better. How can it? How can it grow when the person you're in love with has no drive and no ambition? How is it supposed to get better when someone thinks the only problem is that you don't want to go out on the weekends?

Let's rewind. About two months ago I quit my job in Florida and N and I moved back to Indiana. We are converting my mom's basement into an apartment and are paying rent. That, in itself, is a huge point of contention within myself. I feel like I couldn't hack it out in the real world, so I moved back home. But, that's neither here nor there. I started working a job that I absolutely love. I'm working for a small school district in Michigan. I've never felt like my job mattered more than I do right now. I work a lot and I work hard, but I definitely think it's all worth it. N transferred her job with Starbucks and is able to take her classes online through the distance learning program her school offers. It all seemed like it was going to be an easy transition.

Well, I approached N with a budget the other day because we need to start saving money. I would prefer to not live in my mom's basement forever. It has only ever been a 5 year thing for me or maybe 6 when I've got my car paid off. The point of the matter, I want to start saving and I want to be in a position, financially speaking, that when something happens I'm not forced to borrow money. Well, N freaked out. Money is alway a fight so I had braced myself appropriately. I wasn't prepared for the argument that we were able to do all the things we wanted to do on much less money when we were living in Wisconsin. Sure, we were able to go to concerts, etc. But, we had no money to pay for the "just in cases" that always seem to happen to us. I had to borrow money from my aunt to pay for vet bills, we had to borrow money for rent and moving expenses when we moved to Florida. To top it off, our bills didn't equate to what we have now. Now that I'm not in school, I have my loans and car bills and insurance bills and medical bills. These are realities that she just doesn't understand or she just chooses to ignore. Frankly, her job isn't cutting it and I would like her to get another one.

What ensued following that, was an argument about how N thinks I never want to spend time with her because I never want to go out with her. She's right in that I don't want to go out. I don't want to go out and spend a whole bunch of money that we don't really have. I don't want to spend money on a dinner at a restaurant when we can make it at home. I don't want to waste money at the movie theater when we have all of the movie channels and Netflix at home. I understand the occasional date, but I just can't justify spending $100 every weekend just for fun. What do I find fun these days? A $10.00 bottle of wine and good friends at someone's house. What is so wrong with that? Isn't that what happens when you get older? You become more fiscally responsible and you mellow out?

Don't get me wrong, I feel the space between us growing. I feel the distance and I hate it. I would love for things to be easy and carefree again. I would love for us to be able to connect on an emotional level. Part of me is afraid that it's too late--as if everything is done and everything is over. Are we beating a dead horse? All I know is that I can't continue to mature and be with someone who thinks it's appropriate to blow their large tax return on tattoos and film editing software when they have medical needs. A part of me feels like I'm too young to be this worried and too young to be this consumed by the spending habits of another person. What I wouldn't give to go back to my apartment in Madison and continue living alone. If we had never moved in together, maybe things wouldn't be as bad as they are right now.

I'm really fed up. Isn't money the number one thing that leads to a divorce?

My "best friend" is an asshole.  I updated my twitter saying how I just made a big purchase, money wise and lifestyle wise.  I bought a spinning bike so I can start cycle training.  She responded to my tweet with judgement and sarcasm.  I don't understand why she's like that.  I do something good for myself and she has to take a shit on it.  This is something I've wanted to get into for years and I'm just now brave enough to do it. 

I've struggled with my weight my whole entire life.  I'm doing something fantastic for myself and something that I know that I'll enjoy.  She's clearly not a very good friend if she can't realize that her behavior makes me feel ashamed.  I'm tired of hating myself.  Why does she feel the need to criticize my taking charge of that. 

I'm almost 26 years old.  I'm too old for this bullshit.  I'm too old for this negativity.  We were friends at one point because we were lesbians and we needed that camaraderie.  But, I don't need that anymore.  I'm confident in my sexuality and I don't need to create a community full of judgmental asses.

Even writing this entry irritates me.  I feel like this is something I would have written 10 years ago.  I need new friends.  I think it's time I let go of the bad seeds.